Friday the 13th remake

I just watched the teaser trailer for the upcoming Friday the 13th movie. I was doubtful. I love love love the Friday the 13th movies. I watch them back to back every Friday the 13th, if I can. I've probably seen the first 2 in the series 100 times. 

The remake looks awesome. 

Can it be? Could it be true? Could it be a scary, bloody, oh so fabulous remake of the original? I really hate to get my hopes up. Really I do. 

Pandabob laughed (well maybe it was a nervous laugh) because I giggled like a little kid at Christmas time while I watched it. 

The Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer

I tried very, very hard to not read these books. I looked at them much like I looked at the Harry Potter books when they first came out – I sneered. I said to myself – they are “teen vampire romance novels.” I rolled my eyes. I mocked and said no way. Then I made the mistake of picking one up. (I lay the blame on my brother's girlfriend. It's on her doorstep. She's such an enabler.) I said to myself, okay, fine, fine. I’ll try it out and see what the big deal is. Next thing I know I am voraciously reading Twilight like it’s the next best thing to a full-bodied, aged Cabernet that I can’t get enough of. Honestly though, instead of comparing these books to a Cabernet, I should probably compare them to those iced sugar cookies you can get at the grocery store. You know they aren't good for you, you know there' s nothing good or natural in them, but you can't just eat one. Then, you'll crave them later, like I imagine a crack addict probably craves the rock.

If you haven't been living under a rock, you'll know that there are 4 books in the series, all outlining the ins and outs, the ups and downs of Bella Swann, normal, clumsy (ahem Mary Sue ahem) high school girl and the love of her life Edward Cullen, who also happens to be a vampire who doesn't believe in eating people. That's it in a nutshell. Throw the word teenager in there, think back to when you were one, add a little vampire, and rinse repeat for 4 books. There's drama, there's OMG I want to kiss you/eat you OMG you're so perfect, etc., and there some stalking in there for color.

Twilight starts off with Bella Swann moving from Pheonix, AZ to Forks, WA to live with her dad. Her mom's recently remarried, and Bella wants to give her mom some space, so off she goes to the great rainy Northwest, where the sun hardly shines and Bella is so sure she will be miserable. Here in Forks, Bella meets Edward Cullen. He's a strange boy. He's pale, hangs out only with his family (the equally beautiful Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett), and when she sits next to him in biology he acts like she has the plague. He confuses the heck out of her, and naturally she falls head over heels for him. The rest of the book pretty much runs the gamut of OMG does he like me, no way could he like me, oh wow he does like me, oh wow you sparkle in the sun (yes sparkles. see - silly and yet OMG), oh crap someone wants to kill me, oh yeah he loves me.

Rating: 5 Purrs. Yes, it's totally emo. They are both incredibly silly emo kids mooning over each other but I totally loved every second of it, even the creepy stalker vampire boyfriend parts. The story was totally Mary Sue, but I could relate to some of Bella's sad little emo teen-ness and the story was fun. Like I said - sugar cookie goodness.

New Moon is all about Edward running away because he thinks he has no soul and that he or one of his family members will probably kill Bella. Enter Bella the zombie-girl and Jacob the best friend trying to get into her pants (so to speak. Also *werewolf*). Also, lots of I must keep up appearances, oh wow I am so using you to hide how craptastic I feel, let's go do dangerous stuff so I can try and kill myself but not really, really try to kill myself, oh I shouldn't treat you this way, holy crap will he really go off and kill himself, I can save the day if I don't trip, and BAM oh shit, you love me, really?

Rating: 4 Purrs. Kind of silly, but not too terrible follow up. You can see why he left and why she saves him.

Eclipse is pretty much about the continuing love triangle between Jacob, Bella, and Edward. Edward's decided to stick around, and now Jacob's out to try and convince Bella she wants him instead. In doing so he becomes way too close to a previous relationship of mine for me to like anymore (angry boy, let's say). So it's pretty much: oh somethings up out in Seattle with some mysterious deaths, oh crap could it be a leftover bad guy from the previous books, oh yes it might, oh crap Bella's in danger, grr we will fight over who can protect her best, oh shit I really love both of them but I choose him, can we save the day whoops maybe I shouldn't have done that, awesome new wolf friend Seth high-fiving Eddie, whee we can get married way too young cause of course I don't mind your antiquated sensibilities my dearest sparkly vampire boyfriend.

Rating: The controlling nature of the two boys irritates me here, but I like Seth a lot so I can't give it less that 3.75 stars.

And then there was Breaking Dawn. Oh man. Seriously. Married at 18? Really? Feather biting, bedframe breaking vamp on human sex? Not too bad but woefully under written (of course this is a teen book, so I can forgive that) I'm sorry, did this really include a vamp-human hybrid mommy-killing baby? Yes it did. This one was broken into 3 parts, and I could have done without the second one completely. In fact the whole Nessie storyline could have gone away and I would have been so much happier. So this one was: married! Sex! Uh oh human killing, blood drinking baby on board, whoops - you imprinted on my baby? Whee I'm a vampire (finally I might add. Seriously it took 4 books?) and I am so good add it (ahem Mary Sue ahem again) and I save the day cause I really love my new family grrrr I will protect you with my mind-shield.

Rating: 3 Purrs - Bella the vampire was the awesome. She was fun. Edward became a seriously whiny bitch that ruined him as a character to me and Jacob creeped me out even more. Seth however was a win. Alice - always love her. What I hated the most - that Bella didn't have to really give up *anything.* After 3 whole books of knowing what she would give up to follow the life she wanted, she ended up having it all. It would have been nice for there to have been some consequences to her actions. I know it's fiction and a fairy tale. I wouldn't feel cheated if it hadn't been an underlying theme in all the books previous.

Overall, I loved these books. They were totally silly. They were totally not good fiction and most definitely not the "next Harry Potter," (J.K. Rowling has much better character development and plus, people actually face the repercussions of their actions in Potter books.) but I loved them anyway. My brother's girlfriend and I have midnight tickets to see the film and are debating which t-shirt to buy to wear to the festivities. I am embarassed at my love for these books. Having a devastating crush on Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart doesn't help matters (Ed & Bella in the movie) The books are just.so.bad. and yet I just.can't.stop. In fact, writing about them makes me want to run home and read all four again back to back. I am addicted to Twilight Tuesdays on the MTV blog and cleolinda's livejournal posts about the books.

I am sick. Please send help. (If he's sparkly, a vampire named Edward, and writes music even better.)

See? I'm a lost cause.

Sigh.

The Ruins by Scott Smith

I picked up The Ruins ages ago, back when we were wandering around a Wal-Mart in Taos, New Mexico last year and I had heard it was a good read. It has to be, hands down, one of the ickiest horror novels I have ever read. There were points I actually winced. I don't mean for this to sound like a bad thing. In fact, it's an awesome thing. I was even more pleased to watch the Unrated movie version and see that some of the most skin-crawling aspects of the book were kept, in spirit anyway.

In The Ruins, two college-age couples are vacationing at a Mexican resort. Jeff, Amy, Eric, and Stacy are getting tans, drinking too much, and relaxing near the water. It's pretty much what you would hope for a sun-drenched vacation to be. They've made some friends - 3 crazy, non-English speaking Greeks and a German named Matthias. Matthias's brother, Henrich, hasn't returned from the archeological dig he ran off to (he met the love of his life and followed her there), and Matthias wants to run out there for the day and hunt him down. Despite some initial unease from Amy, the two couples and the sole sober Greek agree to accompany him, thinking they will be in for an adventurous hike through the woods to see some ancient ruins. Unfortunately, these ruins aren't your average Tulum and these kids are woefully unprepared for a hike through the jungle. This place, they find, is home to an unbelievable force. It's going to take them one by one, and as the stress increases, these kids slowly fall further into denial or almost psychosis. Will any of them survive to warn others away? Will someone come to find them?

Scott Smith does a great job of slowly building suspense in the novel, but the real charmer here is the baddie. Like I said before, there are some scenes that just make your skin crawl. It makes me ick just thinking about it ( I have this wisteria at home that just grows and grows. Makes me wonder if Mr. Smith also has a wisteria vine growing in his garden...maybe that is where he got his idea). You honestly don't know if anyone will make it out alive, if there will be a final girl or guy, if they will all turn on each other before the baddie gets them, or if the Greeks will ever show up. 

I don't read a whole lot of horror novels, which probably sounds weird since I watch a ton of horror movies, but this one is a keeper. Just be prepared to never think about visiting Mayan ruins again the same way, or the vines growing in your garden, or even a simple hiking trip. It's got suspense, great pacing, and enough cringe-worthy moments to make you want to put the book down but you just can't stop reading it so you don't. The movie eliminated some characters, switched some things around, and focused more on the gore than the suspense, but I picked up a copy after seeing it. It wasn't the book, but they hardly ever are. 

Rating: 5 stars for still making me shiver when thinking about the vines. As odd as t was, the thought of it growing...well, I won't spoil it. Ugh.

The Orphanage

The Orphanage wasn't quite what I expected. I expected a straight up horror movie and instead I got a supernatural, creepy, spooky thriller. Not a bad thing. Not a bad thing at all.

The Orphanage is Laura's new home. She's brought her husband Carlos and adopted son Simon to live in the orphanage where she grew up, hoping to open the house once again as a home for orphaned children. After moving in, Simon begins telling Laura about his invisible friends, and naturally she writes it off as normal childhood behavior, until Simon tries to show her his invisible friend's hidey-hole. Frustrated and busy throwing a party for the children she hopes will come to live in the home, she yells at Simon, sees a spooky kiddo in a scary burlap mask, and away Simon runs only to disappear into thin air. Laura refuses to give up hope, searching and searching until she begins feeling strange, otherworldly presences in the home. She becomes desperate, Carlos is ready to move on, but Laura refuses to give up hope. Eventually they invite parapsychologists into the home to help them find Simon, but it seems that it is left to Laura to unravel what really happened to Simon. Are there really ghosts in the house? Is Simon still alive?

The Orphanage was way spookier than I expected and the ending is just heart-breaking. Several times I jumped in my chair spooked. This is very good - not very many movies make me jump in my chair without resorting to cheap theatrics. The scene with the "freeze" game was so tense I clenched my hands. Why can't I find movies like this more often? Cause wow. When the mystery is revealed I was surprised just like I should have been. Oh yeah, and don't forget the gruesome looking face of the lady lying in the road. Ugh and awesome all at the same time.

Rating: 4 1/2 Purrs for a beautiful, haunting, scary film

X-Files Redux

Yesterday I caught up on this new show everyone has been telling me about. Fringe. It looked intriguing in the previews, but part of me said, enh. Looks like Alias (which I never really got into no matter how hard I tried) married The Eleventh Hour (which I did get into, the British version of course, and dang it I forgot to DVR the premiere of the US version last night), had a side affair with Lost and birthed the The X-Files all over again. Which yeah, I was pretty much right.

Which doesn't mean I am not totally, so much, OMG, Srsly in love with it. Cause I am.

I am so ashamed of myself. Where's my loyalty? I loved the X-Files. I even watched the horrid last two seasons. I've watched every single episode at least twice. I own them all on DVD. (The original DVD printings I might add, before they got so damn cheap.)

I'm sorry, Mulder & Scully. Really, I love Fringe and its adorable wide-eyed, expressionless Agent Olivia (I even love her name!) and baby-sitting Pacey in a completely different way than I love you.

Promise.

Pinky Swear.

The Mother of Tears: The Third Mother

For many, many years I waited in anxious anticipation to see the realization of a dream. Not the top of Mount Everest. Not the Aurora Borealis. Not the Grand Canyon (all though that was very cool). I waited for the completion of one of my favorite trilogies - the Three Mothers trilogy by Dario Argento. When I heard the day had finally come for him to make the final film in the trilogy, and it was going to star Asia Argento but also include a role for Daria Nicolodi, I just about wet my pants. I waited for Mother of Tears to come to theaters like most Star Wars geeks waited for Episode 1 (okay, I might have been one of those geeks too...but I didn't dress up). 

Mother of Tears starts off with the discovery of a mysterious box, sealed and chained to a coffin buried right outside of an old cemetery. The local priest sends it to the museum where Sarah Mandy and her colleague, Gisele, open the box to see what's inside. Kind of like Pandora, Sarah and her friend unleash hell on earth, with her friend getting the big old brunt of it right then and there. After narrowly escaping with her life, Sarah and her boyfriend, Michael, investigate. Who killed Gisele? Why are people going mad, committing great acts of violence in the streets, and committing suicide at an alarming rate? Who is the Mother of Tears and what does she want with Sarah Mandy?

I watched this DVD twice before writing this. When I first watched it, I was disappointed. Of course, I knew that I probably would be because most of Argento's recent work was just not what I loved in his early films. However, this first viewing was much more disappointing than I was expecting. So I knew I had to watch it again to really see what I liked and disliked, just to make sure I was seeing it for the film it was rather than the disappointment it was bound to be after so many long years of anticipation.

I warn you from here on there might be things I say that might spoil it for you - so beware.

First off, this movie is gory. I mean gory, gory, blood, guts, and gore. From the opening scene where Gisele bites it to the very end there are buckets of blood everywhere. And when I say blood, I mean blood, guts, maiming, eye gouging, self-mutilation, torture, and child death. It was downright disturbing the first time and didn't really seem any easier the second time around. The opening scene where Gisele gets killed involves her mouth being crushed with some sort of screwdriver thing, being sliced open, and strangled with her own guts. That's not the worst of it. I like gore. I like buckets of blood, but for some reason this time it just seemed like too much. Ugh. I did love the mouth thing with Gisele though. It looked way freaky.Plus the scene where Udo Keir bites it was just awesome. Chop chop, slice slice! Overall, all of this slice and dice reminds me of the images used opening credits (and others like them) - think Renaissance images of Hell. 

Second, this movie has its tense, suspenseful, and scary moments. When Sarah is returning to the room and hears Gisele being murdered, you do get  bit toward the edge of your seat, especially when the baboon starts stalking her. Baboons stalking anyone is scary. The building tension of Rome falling apart seems kind of silly at first but builds to a decent tension by the end. The scene in the train bookstore where the police detective is leaning right into her and not seeing her is well done. Honestly, though, the pacing seems a bit uneven to keep the tension and suspense going full on until the end. 

The acting in this movie is really varied; some of it is good and some of it borders on community theater. Asia Argento does a good job even though some of her lines are a bit silly ("don't leave me hanging," really?). The witches are just absurd - the gangs of witches roaming the train station act more like punk rockers out of a bad exploitation film or spoof  than spooky evil witches out of a horror film. Asia has much more chemistry with the guy playing the police detective (smoking hot police detective) than she does with the actor playing her boyfriend Michael. He's just awful. He overacts the part and just bumbles around. I think it's a major flaw because it is hard to stay "in the world" with him shouting and bumbling around. Udo Keir was awesome as always plus it was nice to see him again (he was also in Suspiria).  The actress playing the Mother really didn't have a whole lot to do other than stalk around naked, but the relish she shows when she is licking the tears off of a dying woman's face makes your skin crawl. Other than that, she is pretty sub par. (The brief appearance of Mater Lachrymarum in Inferno had more oomph to it than most of the scenes in this one - which spells bad news. The good thing is most of the other henchmen were creepy enough.)

What was missing - most of the atmosphere from the first two films in the trilogy. Suspiria had the psychedelic colors, and frantic editing, the spectacular death scenes. The whole movie felt like a dream. Inferno was more noir, and it had that awesome underwater room scene. Plus, you can't forget the amazing music by Goblin. It added such mood to the films. This time around there is only one scene with that kind of heavy color wash and most of the music is operatic. I miss the sound that Goblin gave the original. 

The ending just kind of fell flat for me. The final blood orgy scene just kind of felt, well, enh. I don't know what it was missing, but it was missing something. And the crawling through the pool of skeletons to get out just felt out of place (but very reminiscent of Phenomenon). Of course, the others had kind of wham, there's the end, endings too, so maybe that is par for the course. 

These first two movies were spooky. That's what made them so intriguing. This one seems to rely mostly on the gore without the spookiness. I miss the spookiness. 

Rating: 4 Purrs because I love the idea of the Argento family back together again but somehow the magic was missing this time. It's that ending. It's good and then enh. 

Theater of Blood

I love old Vincent Price movies. You can imagine how excited I was when saw this one was on my Monster channel (before I lost it – phooey on you DishNetwork), I was very, very excited, because outside of the Dr. Phibes movies, Theater of Blood is my favorite Vincent Price movie. 

In Theater of Blood, Vincent Price plays Edward Lionheart, a very egotistical actor who all he really wants for Christmas is an award usually given by the Critic's Circle for the best actor in the theater. Unfortunately, he's overlooked, shunned, and critically flamed by the Critic's Circle, so he decides to attempt suicide after confronting the harpies. Too bad his suicide is just one other thing that doesn't seem to go right in Lionheart's life. He survives his swan dive into the Thames and  is rescued by the crazed tramps living in the area. Cue the revenge. (I love Vincent Price's revenge movies - they are always so dramatic.) This time, instead of the plagues or some such like Dr. Phibes, Lionheart's revenge follows the many grisly deaths that took place in the Shakespeare plays in which he starred. He slowly takes out the critics who denied him his just reward while the police are helpless to stop him. 

Vincent Price really hams it up and Diana Rigg is just amazingly beautiful. You know what else makes me really love this movie? The fact that they both consider this one of their best and favorite films. They have very good taste, if I do say so myself. 

They just don't make them like this anymore, and I hope beyond hope no one gets it in their craw to remake this anytime soon. Theater of Blood is very much a movie of its time - it has just the right amount of camp and buckets of bright red theater blood to make a perfect pie - even if it is stuffed with poodles. 

Rating: 5 Purrs  - it' s my favorite Vincent Price movie ever. How could I not give it all 5 Purrs?