Jennifer's Body

When I first heard about Jennifer’s Body on my favorite horror blog ever, Final Girl, I knew I had to see it. It really had nothing to do with the fact that Diablo Cody wrote it, although I liked Juno. It was mostly because the idea of Megan Fox playing a cheerleader who goes bad, really bad, and hungry for boys, if you know what I mean, and I think you do, made my toes wiggle with excitement. Feminist-ish horror. Yay!

*Here be perhaps a few spoilery-type items*

Jennifer Check is the popular girl. She’s the one that every girl wants to be and every guy want to sleep with. Somehow her best friend is geektastic Needy (nickname for Anita), despite the fact that they share little in common. Needy’s boyfriend Chip doesn’t get it. Most people don’t. But it works for them. After convincing Needy to go with her to the local bar to see an indie-rock bad (Low Shoulder) play, Jennifer hooks up with the “salty” lead singer who really just wants her for her virgin body. (Joke’s on them haha) Unfortunately, when you sacrifice a non-virgin to Satan to help your indie-rock band become the next Maroon Five, she gets all hungry for boy flesh. Let the chomping and seducing begin!

While I was pretty disappointed there was a gross lack of nudity in this horror film (hello- horror movies always have some), I did like the snappy, snarky dialog despite thinking it seemed a bit too snarky to be natural. There was some nice gore, and the scene where Jennifer takes the football guy into the woods for some afternoon delight is hilarious and gross all at the same time. It reminded me of one of my favorite South Park episodes (I think it was called Woodland Critter Christmas?). The lesbian tension between Jennifer and Needy is a big underlying sub-plot and always nice. (The kiss between the two of them was hot.)

I enjoyed Jennifer’s Body quite a lot (hush you – you know who you are) but I wouldn’t put it with my favorites. It’s almost as if it couldn’t find a balance between being funny and being serious so it never felt like one or the other. However, Adam Brody playing the indie-rock bank lead singer was an inspired casting choice. He was hilarious in his bits. I’d recommend this to my fellow horror geeks, but you could wait for DVD. If you aren’t about Megan Fox being sexy for an entire movie, you won’t be as interested in this one.

Rating: 4 Purrs for Megan Fox in tiny outfits, chomping with the best of them, and actually looking sallow here and there in the film – plus who doesn’t love the line – No, evil evil, not high-school evil.

The Convent

"Prince of Evil? You work at fuckin' Dairy Creme for crissakes."

The Convent started off strong, pussed out in the middle, and got better towards the end for a bit. I picked it up because Final Girl reviewed it awhile back and it sounded worth a viewing. I'm not sure I can recommend it though, because despite the few bits here and there, it really was awful. 

The Convent starts off with the best scene - a chick in a leather motorcycle jacket and Catholic schoolgirl outfit enters a chapel, disrupting what seems to be some sort of religious service. She whips out a shotgun, starts blasting away, and then burns the place down. All of this to the tune of "It's My Party" I think, or some such similar song. It's awesome in a cheesy horror movie sort of way. Then it all goes downhill when we zoom forward to the present - and a group of stereotypical college kids are geared up to hit the Convent where all the bad stuff went down. You know what happens when a group of kids gets together to smoke out and have the premarital sex. Especially when the local satan worshipers sacrifice a virgin. Yes, I know. It's too good to be true. It's like Santa came early, but then when you open your presents they really ended up being white tube socks. Enter evil nun and priest possession and goretastic attacks to the tune of really, really bad techno music. Techno music so disjointing it woke me up from my almost nap. But then, when all hope seemed lost, who shows up but Adrienne Barbeau. Ms. Escape from New York plays that Catholic schoolgirl all grown up. She commences to kick ass and take names, until the movie begins to suck again.

Really, I wouldn't rent this unless you really must see every movie Adrienne Barbeau is in. It's really not so good, even for folks who like really bad horror movies. I tried. Really, I tried. I had hopes there in that opening scene, but then the movie just stomped all over those hopes and dreams. Stomp, stomp, stomp. 

Final Girl Film Club: The Devil's Daughter

You know, I went into The Devil's Daughter not expecting much. You know, 1970's TV Movie about devil worship and all that. Surely it won't be much of anything. Color me embarrassed - it was actually pretty good. It's on par with a long Night Gallery or Twilight Zone episode (love those), and about half-way through, I said to myself, man this seems really familiar. I've actually seen it before, some time or another, probably when I was home sick from school and needed something to watch on TV.

In The Devil's Daughter, Diane Shaw returns home for her mother's funeral. She's never really known her mother, and at the gravesite, enter Shelley Winters. (Has she ever not been large and scary? Even in the Poseidon Adventure she was scary and she was supposed to be a nice character...) Lilith is a friend of dear old mom, and why don't you dear sweet girl come home and stay with me while you find a job and get settled? Of course, a nefarious plot must be afoot, and really, it's not too hard to figure out early on, but getting there is half the fun in this movie. 

Shelley Winters is more than enough of a reason to watch this movie - she's camp personified. She's like that crazy old lady that bakes you cookies all of the time that you just can't get rid of, and the cookies are missing the sugar but you don't have the heart to say anything. Her two neighbor friends are unsettling, like two overgrown idiot twins, even down to the same outfits. But the kicker comes at the end, in true, ta-da, movie of the week style. Again, it's not a shocker if you have seen any horror movies at all, but it's well done and like I said before. It's  just like ending up a Night Gallery episode, and my TIVO really knows just how much I love that show. 

Rating: 5 Purrs, cause you gotta love a movie that features an over-the-top painting of Satan that every character just pretends is perfectly natural for 3/4 of the movie, and of course, the mad, smiling face of Shelley Winters there at the end - now that's creepy

Scarecrows

“They only want a brain – yours.”

This is my first foray into the Final Girl Film Club, although I have seen several of the films she has selected. I finally remembered to rent the film on time, remembered to watch it in advance, and actually took notes while watching the movie. I prepared for this thing. I studied.

Ah Scarecrows, how I wanted to love you and hold you close and possibly marry you. I had high hopes. After all, the plot sounded right up my alley. A group of thieves steal the Camp Pendleton payroll and kidnap a pilot and his daughter to get away. On the way to Mexico, the always-popular destination for thieves on the run, one of the thieves double-crosses the crew, dumps the loot out of the plane, and parachutes into a graveyard surrounded by creepy looking scarecrows. The chase begins. Will the group survive the night? Why are there scarecrows surrounding a graveyard? Will the girl and her father get away? Will greed ruin the close-knit team of thieves? Only time will tell.

Scarecrows had its good times and bad times for me. I went into it thinking this plot is so silly it’s got to be so-bad-its-good. Right from the start, I thought - Exorcist opening credits steal, that’s okay. Oh and look – a very cute dog. Don’t hurt the dog. But then, well, I got bored. Scarecrows are undoubtedly creepy. It’s a horror film staple – no one likes those scary guardians of the harvest. Wizard of Oz is maybe the only example of a nice scarecrow I can think of, and he didn’t have a brain so he’s pretty much a zombie scarecrow. Jeepers Creepers 2, Children of the Corn, etc. used the idea, plus I am sure there were a Supernatural episode and at least one X-Files episode in there too. But there was so little action in the first part of the movie I had a hard time paying attention. I don’t expect a lot of character development in a film like this but some tension would be nice. And what was with the voice-overs? Everyone was talking in voice-over like the sound guy wasn’t in residence that day. I began to think that the entire movie would be the group of thieves taunting Bert over their headsets. “You’re crow shit.” Awesome. I wanted Henry Rollins to come in a save the day like he does in Wrong Turn 2. My questions morphed from does the team survive to does Bert ever actually talk out loud? Holy shit that scarecrow just knifed Bert! Something finally happened! Ah – scarecrow surprise in the night vision scope!

(I do have to admit, it made perfect sense to me for the lady thief to check out her hair and makeup in her Clinique blush compact in the middle of the film and then let the kidnapped chica check hers out too. After all, how can you successfully navigate murderous scarecrows if your hair is out of place?)

Then finally the movie gets interesting. The girls had to prepare first, then it really kicks off. Our traitor friend Bert shows up all zombified and the gang rips into him, literally. I’m not sure what I expected there but it wasn’t what you see. Wow. That was the second best part of the movie. Especially when the guys think he’s eaten all of that, and then one of them says, “We’ll have to refrigerate this, it stinks.” Ha! Then rusty saws, limb removal, pitchforks, and scythes all come out to play and the thieves are picked off one by one. I’ve always though a pitchfork was a terribly dangerous tool – how do farmers keep from maiming themselves? Of course, somewhere along the say the kidnapped girl actually starts caring for the folks that kidnapped her and left her an orphan and they all “have to work together to get out of here” and away from the murderous scarecrows. It was sudden, but expected.

But Scarecrows saves my favorite part until the end. Scarecrow-Zombie-dog. Freakin’ awesome. Why did they leave that to the end?

I think, all in all I am pretty neutral on Scarecrows. It had good parts, but the slow start up really did me in. Zombie-dog saved it, and some of the creepy farmhouse and scarecrow atmosphere worked, but the acting and casting was atrocious.

Rating: 3 1/2 Purrs for a film that had potential but didn’t live up to my expectations. Zombie-dog should have gotten more screen time.

HEY, INTERNET, STOP BEING SUCH CYNICAL EFFING DOUCHEBAGS BLOG-A-THON!

So one of my favorite blogs in the world to read is Final Girl, and she put the call out -

One day, and one day only: Tuesday, March 18.
You: write about something in the world of film that fills you with complete and total unbridled fucking retarded JOY.

So how can I ignore that? The problem I find is picking out just one thing to write about that fills me with stupid, toe-wiggling joy when it comes to movies. It's like someone asking me to pick just *one* favorite movie or just *one* favorite book. So to take the easy way out, I'll list a few joy inducing items here.

Movies I will watch anytime, anyplace, always, as many times as I can.

I have a few movies I will watch pretty much anytime they show up on my satellite. These movies are the ones I pull out of my DVD boxes most often. My husband groans every time one of these comes on because he's the type that will watch a movie once and be done with it. I'll watch JAWS anytime it's on TV. I'll watch it on DVD. I'll watch it edited and dubbed. When Roy Schneider sees the shark for the first time and says, "We're gonna need a bigger boat," I actually clap my hands with joy. I love the Die Hard trilogy (or quadrology now I suppose). "Now I know what a TV dinner feels like." Awesome. Anytime it's on TV. Halloween. Friday the 13th (I mean, hello - sexy vegetarian chick and creepy ass crazy Momma). Agatha Christie adaptations especially those with Peter Ustinov. (Those lead into my obsession with old people solve crimes media like Murder, She Wrote and Matlock.) The list goes on...

Italian Giallo

When I started college a friend introduced me to Dario Argento. I watched Suspiria and there was no turning back. Ever since NetFlix (another thing I love - access to movies I never would find on shelves at the Evil Empire) was founded and I joined I have watched every single Giallo I can find. I love the so very ultra-mod Seventies fashions, the badly filmed sex scenes, the mystery, the fake red blood, the overall silliness of them all.

Night of the Comet

If I had to pick just one movie. Just one to take with me on a deserted island with a TV and DVD player of course, it would be Night of the Comet. I anticipated the DVD release for this movie like Star Wars geeks foamed at the mouth for the new trilogy. Valley girls are the last people on earth after a comet wipes out the other folks in sunny CA. All that's left are these chicks and some zombies. "Daddy would have gotten us UZIs." Awesome. This is the movie I insist on people watching over and over. Plus - Zombies! Catherine Mary Stewart! UZIs! Shopping Malls!

Roger Corman Movies

Rock-n-Roll High School. Pirahna. Humanoids from the Deep. P.J. Soles. The Ramones. Riff Randall! Angry puppet fish! Lumberjack Man and his little blond daughter. Perky insurance investigators! Barbara Steele! Doug McClure! Slimy fish monsters impregnating women! The Alien-like fish birth! "Terror! Horror! Death! Film at Eleven."

My Current Favorite - Black Sheep

I read about this movie in Entertainment Weekly and saw "were-sheep." I said to myself, I must have this movie. I must see it now. And I finally did. Lamb jokes. Mint sauce, vegan animal rights activists. Special effects by the folks who did Lord of the Rings. Were-sheep.

"You hear that? Sounds like someone is sheering."

Oh man, I am smiling with joy just thinking about it. Black Sheep - It had me at "were-sheep."

I'll stop now cause I could go on. For hours. Just remember - were-sheep, angry puppet fish, feeling like a TV dinner, and those sexxxxy mod 7's fashions. Things that fill me with joy.