The Convent

"Prince of Evil? You work at fuckin' Dairy Creme for crissakes."

The Convent started off strong, pussed out in the middle, and got better towards the end for a bit. I picked it up because Final Girl reviewed it awhile back and it sounded worth a viewing. I'm not sure I can recommend it though, because despite the few bits here and there, it really was awful. 

The Convent starts off with the best scene - a chick in a leather motorcycle jacket and Catholic schoolgirl outfit enters a chapel, disrupting what seems to be some sort of religious service. She whips out a shotgun, starts blasting away, and then burns the place down. All of this to the tune of "It's My Party" I think, or some such similar song. It's awesome in a cheesy horror movie sort of way. Then it all goes downhill when we zoom forward to the present - and a group of stereotypical college kids are geared up to hit the Convent where all the bad stuff went down. You know what happens when a group of kids gets together to smoke out and have the premarital sex. Especially when the local satan worshipers sacrifice a virgin. Yes, I know. It's too good to be true. It's like Santa came early, but then when you open your presents they really ended up being white tube socks. Enter evil nun and priest possession and goretastic attacks to the tune of really, really bad techno music. Techno music so disjointing it woke me up from my almost nap. But then, when all hope seemed lost, who shows up but Adrienne Barbeau. Ms. Escape from New York plays that Catholic schoolgirl all grown up. She commences to kick ass and take names, until the movie begins to suck again.

Really, I wouldn't rent this unless you really must see every movie Adrienne Barbeau is in. It's really not so good, even for folks who like really bad horror movies. I tried. Really, I tried. I had hopes there in that opening scene, but then the movie just stomped all over those hopes and dreams. Stomp, stomp, stomp.