Scarecrows

“They only want a brain – yours.”

This is my first foray into the Final Girl Film Club, although I have seen several of the films she has selected. I finally remembered to rent the film on time, remembered to watch it in advance, and actually took notes while watching the movie. I prepared for this thing. I studied.

Ah Scarecrows, how I wanted to love you and hold you close and possibly marry you. I had high hopes. After all, the plot sounded right up my alley. A group of thieves steal the Camp Pendleton payroll and kidnap a pilot and his daughter to get away. On the way to Mexico, the always-popular destination for thieves on the run, one of the thieves double-crosses the crew, dumps the loot out of the plane, and parachutes into a graveyard surrounded by creepy looking scarecrows. The chase begins. Will the group survive the night? Why are there scarecrows surrounding a graveyard? Will the girl and her father get away? Will greed ruin the close-knit team of thieves? Only time will tell.

Scarecrows had its good times and bad times for me. I went into it thinking this plot is so silly it’s got to be so-bad-its-good. Right from the start, I thought - Exorcist opening credits steal, that’s okay. Oh and look – a very cute dog. Don’t hurt the dog. But then, well, I got bored. Scarecrows are undoubtedly creepy. It’s a horror film staple – no one likes those scary guardians of the harvest. Wizard of Oz is maybe the only example of a nice scarecrow I can think of, and he didn’t have a brain so he’s pretty much a zombie scarecrow. Jeepers Creepers 2, Children of the Corn, etc. used the idea, plus I am sure there were a Supernatural episode and at least one X-Files episode in there too. But there was so little action in the first part of the movie I had a hard time paying attention. I don’t expect a lot of character development in a film like this but some tension would be nice. And what was with the voice-overs? Everyone was talking in voice-over like the sound guy wasn’t in residence that day. I began to think that the entire movie would be the group of thieves taunting Bert over their headsets. “You’re crow shit.” Awesome. I wanted Henry Rollins to come in a save the day like he does in Wrong Turn 2. My questions morphed from does the team survive to does Bert ever actually talk out loud? Holy shit that scarecrow just knifed Bert! Something finally happened! Ah – scarecrow surprise in the night vision scope!

(I do have to admit, it made perfect sense to me for the lady thief to check out her hair and makeup in her Clinique blush compact in the middle of the film and then let the kidnapped chica check hers out too. After all, how can you successfully navigate murderous scarecrows if your hair is out of place?)

Then finally the movie gets interesting. The girls had to prepare first, then it really kicks off. Our traitor friend Bert shows up all zombified and the gang rips into him, literally. I’m not sure what I expected there but it wasn’t what you see. Wow. That was the second best part of the movie. Especially when the guys think he’s eaten all of that, and then one of them says, “We’ll have to refrigerate this, it stinks.” Ha! Then rusty saws, limb removal, pitchforks, and scythes all come out to play and the thieves are picked off one by one. I’ve always though a pitchfork was a terribly dangerous tool – how do farmers keep from maiming themselves? Of course, somewhere along the say the kidnapped girl actually starts caring for the folks that kidnapped her and left her an orphan and they all “have to work together to get out of here” and away from the murderous scarecrows. It was sudden, but expected.

But Scarecrows saves my favorite part until the end. Scarecrow-Zombie-dog. Freakin’ awesome. Why did they leave that to the end?

I think, all in all I am pretty neutral on Scarecrows. It had good parts, but the slow start up really did me in. Zombie-dog saved it, and some of the creepy farmhouse and scarecrow atmosphere worked, but the acting and casting was atrocious.

Rating: 3 1/2 Purrs for a film that had potential but didn’t live up to my expectations. Zombie-dog should have gotten more screen time.