The Happening

I avoided The Happening like the plague until it finally came on HBO and I DVRd it. I really wish, after watching it all the way through, mouth agape in wonder at how bad a movie could possibly be, that I could hunt Mr. Sixth Sense down and ask him for my hour and a half back. I mean, I have seen bad movies. I enjoy bad movies. I watch them with relish. Usually, those movies are so bad they are good. Even Manos, Hands of Fate was worthy of watching, simply because the MST3K guys made watching it enjoyable. I am sad to say that I doubt even those guys could make The Happening worth watching again. I think my mistake wasn’t hunting down a RiffTrax or Cinematic Titanic track to watch with it. Then maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t be so bitter about the 1.5 hours this movie cost me. I don’t know though. Maybe not.

What I liked about this movie. Hm. That’s a tough one. Is there anything? Well, there were some scenes that could have been truly disturbing. Unfortunately, they were all in the trailer. The images of people throwing themselves off of buildings, hanging from trees, and all other forms of mass suicide could have been horrific, if they were in the hands of a more capable director. Unfortunately, they weren’t.

I could take that leap of faith and think that Marky Mark Walberg was intelligent enough to actually teach a junior high science class. If I squinted enough and just jumped right in there and suspended that disbelief, I could believe that two people, one of whom is a favorite actress (Zooey Deshanel) could be married, despite a complete lack of chemistry. I mean, a complete lack. None. In fact, I often wondered if they were in the same movie, shooting the same scenes together, seeing as so much of it is shot in single actor frames, sort of like how no one believes Pacino and DeNiro were in Heat together because they never seemed to be in the same frame. Seriously, so much of the movie was shot in these single actor frames I wonder if anyone was actually shooting the same scene at the same time.

So much of the plot was telegraphed early one that I can't help but think I would have known the big a-ha twist even if it hadn't been spoiled for me but dozens of others. I mean, at the beginning, one of the kids in Marky Mark's science class says, "An act of nature, and we'll never fully understand it." I think Mr. Sixth Sense thought he was being profound, but you know, not really. And when I heard it I knew it would come back around. And guess what. It did. And when it did, I seriously eye-rolled my whole body. I half-way expected some big drum roll in the background.

I don't think this movie was supposed to make me laugh, but it did. Out loud. I almost cried I laughed so hard. I seriously wonder if any of the actors read the script before signing on, and if they did, what on Earth possessed them to go ahead and sign up? If not, did they fire their agents after reading the script? And how on Earth did anyone greenlight this project? I want to find out who it was and punch them right in the baby-maker. Yes, yes I do.

If you want to watch a ludicrous killer plant movie, watch something better, like Day of the Triffids. Or better yet, read the book. It's a better use of your time than this painful. heavy-handed, oh-so-dramatic drivel. I swear this is the absolute last time I watch a M. Night Shyamalan movie. I have now been burned bad enough to take no more chances.

Rating: Can I give more than 5 hisses? Cause I would. Hell, it's my blog. Hisses to the infinite power for this one.