The Beyond

"Woe be unto him who opens one of the seven gateways to Hell, because through that gateway, evil will invade the world."

I love Italian horror. Dario Argento was my first foray into the genre and man, Suspiria knocked my socks off. Anytime anyone asks me my favorite horror movie, it inevitably comes up. Fulci is a master, truly, but nothing it seems will ever be Suspiria to me. Well, except maybe Argento's Opera, but I do have a thing for opera, MacBeth, and those awesome costumes.
The Beyond takes place in New Orleans, in an old hotel with a past. Bad stuff, the entrance to hell, all sorts of goodies pop up here. The question is will the young, pretty new owner of the possessed hotel survive, or will they all die and turn into ewie gooey monsters?

The movie is beautifully shot, has all the right spooky music scares, and plenty of oozie gore. I think this movie might have had more slime than You Can't Do That on Television. It even looks like they shot some of this in New Orleans.

I don't know if anyone outside of true Italian horror fanatics would care for this one, especially anyone icked out by ooze and gore. It's old-school gore though, not your new The Hostel type gore, if it matters.

Other thoughts:

• Man, a lot of people fall off of things in this movie.
  
• Eeeewwww, that was an eyeball.
• Dog puppet FTW
• Cue the jerky boyfriend who doesn't believe the heroine is imperiled.
• Oh yes, the best place to go in a deserted hospital is the laboratory. Perfect.
• Zombies! Zombie killing!
• Uh oh, looks like the gates to hell opened up in her basement. That sucks. I hate it when that happens.
  

Rating: 4 Purrrs

It All Changed In an Instant & Not Quite What I was Planning by SMITH Magazine

I was very intrigued by the idea of the six word memoir. How do you tell the story of your life in six words or less? It seems impossible, even though Hemingway seems to have done pretty well at it. ("For sale: baby shoes, never worn." ) Apparently, you can in fact tell a whole heck of a lot in 6 words.

SMITH Magazine gathered various 6 word memoirs written by famous and not-so-famous people in these two books (and I think there are a few more published) - Not Quite What I Was Planning and It All Changed in An Instant. I found them simple, devastating, hopeful, everything you expect in the story of a human being. I must admit my favorite is the title of the first book - "Not quite what I was planning." Sums up a life perfectly, and it's really left up to the reader to determine if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

"I still make coffee for two."

"So would you believe me anyway?" —James Frey

Joan Rivers, Joyce Carol Oates, Amy Sedaris, and more contribute. It's really a quite lovely read, but I found it such that I couldn't read more than a few at once before it felt too trite. I am intrigued on what my 6 word memoir would be. I should think on that.

Rating: 4 Purrrs

The Stepfather (1986) vs. The Stepfather (2009)

"Wait a minute, who am I here?"

I had only seen the original The Stepfather in bits and pieces, so naturally I couldn't watch the remake without seeing Terry O'Quinn in all of his glory (and surprisingly enough, all of his glory actually is onscreen at one point - Hello John Locke).

Both movies are pretty much the same: lonely mother of troubled child finds the man of her dreams, or so she thinks. Little does she know that Mr. Too Good To Be True is in fact, way too good to be true. Actually, when he realizes you and your family are not Leave It to Beaver, he will decide to murder you and the kids and move on to some other chick. In a nutshell, that's it.

Why is the first movie better than the remake? Well besides the fact that the original usually is, the Final Girl is named Stephanie, so of course I liked it best. How can I not? She's the troubled daughter who has this idea that new daddy dearest just isn't right somehow. Second, the tension between Jill Schoelen and Terry O'Quinn is very well played. She's not some eye candy with no acting ability (eyes you Stepfather remake), she acts like a teenager with a new stepfather a year after he dad died. It's believable. The opening scene where Terry O'Quinn is stripping his former self and getting ready to move on is chilling, especially when you get to the part where you realize the entire family is dead as he walks out the door, refreshed and peppy.

The sequel - well it had the mom with 3 kids, two of which are non-existent and the other is fresh out of military school (and Gossip Girl). None of which are interesting enough to hold your attention. The most interesting characters are the "aunts," the lesbian couple that actually show some true affection for each other (kudos to the writers for making their relationship subtle and kind, rather than some way to add salaciousness to the movie). Otherwise, you might as well sleep throughout the movie because there is no tension, little blood, and really no character worth caring about.

So, rent and watch the original Stepfather and skip the remake. Even the bikini scenes can't save that one.

The House of the Devil

So a college girl needs to make some rent so she can pay for a new place. Her roommate isn't a very nice one you see, so she needs a place of her own. Unfortunately her bank account is pretty low, so she might have a bit of trouble trying to pay the rent. Good thing she found a babysitting job way out in the boonies that's going to pay her some nice change.

What else about The House of the Devil?

• This movies has a nice 80's feel without being parody or campy.
• Tom Noonan and Mary Woronov & Dee Wallace - holy crap! It's like b-move horror roll call.
  
• Oh wow - he just totally blew her head off and stuff went everywhere.
• Man, I know just how she feels. Bored, waiting for pizza. Wandering around the house poking around. Every teenage babysitter knows these minutes.
  
• Why don't they do what they say, say what they mean...One thing leads to another...
  
• God, I just can't seem to get away from pool, can I?
• And yep, that whole dancing around the house thing - did that as a babysitter too.
  
• Uh oh, that locked room bodes no good for anybody.
  
• Who is that creepy dude with the beard lurking around?
  
• Ahh! Lights out!
• Uh oh. You know it's bad news when you wake up strapped to a pentagram in only your underwear.
• Yay for blood slippage!
• This movie went from bored babysitter to blood fest in 30 seconds.
• Well, wow. That was unexpected.
  

Wow. Wow. I must own this movie.

Rating: 5 Purrs

Thirst (Bakjwi)

Thirst was in a word, Wow. I had heard very good things about it, but I wasn't really sure. I mean I have seen a lot of Asian horror, so they all sort of run together at this point. However, Thirst really stood out for its combination of sexy and eerie without resorting to the sexy vampire stereotype.

Sang-hyun is a priest who volunteers for a medical experiment in hopes of helping find a cure for a deadly disease. Instead, he gets more than he bargained for. In fact, he gets some tainted blood that turns him into a vampire, and then gets pulled into helping an old friend try to escape her unhappy marriage and family ties. He struggles with his new inhumanity and his infatuation with the woman from his childhood.

This movie was so much not what I expected. It's a lot less horror in the traditional gore, slash & dice sort of way and much more in the line of beautiful thriller. That white painted apartment is simply beautiful.

I would definitely recommend this to anyone who liked Let The Right One In. This is much more like that than say, Near Dark.
Rating: 4 1/2 Purrs

Perfume: The Story of a Murder by Patrick Suskind

I bought this book because I heard about the movie and it sounded very interesting. I ended up reading it very quickly, as it was very, very engrossing. Of course, it is a story about a serial killer, which if you know me makes complete sense as to why I would really enjoy it .

Perfume is about Jean-Baptiste Grenouille, a child born in the filth of 18th-century Paris. He has no scent of his own, but he has an amazing nose and files every scent away in his head. He decides to apprentice to a perfumer so he can learn to capture scent. Specifically, the scents of certain young girls. Funny how those young girls mostly have red hair, are beautiful, and are virgins.

It's a creepy subject, but the character is just as good as Hannibal Lecter, except instead of cannibalism, this guy just wants to keep your smell around, which you know actually seems a wee bit creepier.

The book was beautifully written, with some very vivid imagery. The movie totally did the book justice, and honestly I wasn't sure if it would be able to do so. I liked them both, quite a bit.

Rating: 4 1/2 Purrs

2012

"When they tell you not to panic, that's when you run!"

I love disaster movies. I have the remake of The Poseidon Adventure on DVD. I've seen the TV version and Beyond The Poseidon Adventure. The Day After Tomorrow? Check. The Towering Inferno? Check. Earthquake? Check. The Airport movies? Yep. Now these movies are usually bad, but they are also so bad they are good. 2012, well, it cries for a RiffTrax.

My biggest problem with 2012 is the fact that it plays the standard Roland Emmerich does disaster movies playbook the whole way. (You know, secret science stuff, no one believes the truth, montages of random characters that no one cares about really because they are cardboard stereotypes, epic sweeps of far away countries also affected by the disaster accompanied by sweeping music, lots and lots of explosions and CGI.) It opens with some scientists finding out some really, really bad news. They rush to tell the politicians, and then secret stuff starts to happen. Fast forward a bit. The bad stuff starts to happen for real. John Cusack stumbles upon it, the everyman with the troubled family life, and then proceeds to run like crazy, everyone yelling a whole lot because everything is.so.very.important. Will they survive? The fact is it's very hard to care because they just don't create any sympathy with the viewer. They are so cardboard you just don't care. You even get the "Today is our Independence Day!" speech. Wait, twice!

Okay, well so what's good? The initial John Cusack grabs the family and races California crashing into the ocean in a limo was pretty damn hilarious and yet awesome at the same time. I imagine seeing it on the gigantic screen would have been fun, even if it was super heavy on the CGI. I actually laughed out loud. The number of times they escape disaster by the skin of their teeth is so many I lost count. It gets to be ridiculous way too fast. A character actually says, "Oh God, not again." I agree.

Maybe 2012 isn't so bad. Or maybe it's so bad it's good, if you can get past the awful, awful heavy-handed hammy acting. I don't really know yet. I might have to watch it again to tell for sure. But I will definitely skip the credits. One can only take that song once.

Rating: I'm not even sure. 3ish Purrs, maybe?

Carriers

I don't remember precisely how I stumbled across this gem of a film, but boy am I glad I did. Of course, I do tend to like those end of the world, everybody is dead from a global pandemic sort of media. I'm not sure exactly why. I mean, I'm a people person, right? I am good with people.

Anyway, Carriers opens up with four friends driving to the beach. Brian, Bobby, Danny, and Kate aren't really going for a good time though. They are trying to avoid infection, at any cost, which means when a stranger asks for gas, you have to really wonder if it's worth it to stop and help. There are rules to survive, gas is scarce, and anyone infected is a liability. The question really is, what is it to survive? Is it worth losing your humanity? Can you have compassion and survive a world where the touch of a stranger could kill you?

The Pastor brothers do a very nice job directing. Chris Pine plays pretty much the same character he always does, but I can't complain. It fits here. Piper Perabo is yummy. They filmed this mostly in New Mexico I believe, and I'm always for seeing more of that on film.

I expected a horror film, and what I got was more along the lines of a drama. I'm not complaining, mind you. I always like those stories that examine just how far people might go to survive. This could have gone deeper, could have gone darker, but for a 80-ish minute long movie, it did nicely.

Rating: 4.5 Purrs

Dark Places by Gillian Flynn

“Draw a picture of my soul, and it’d be a scribble with fangs.”

This review should probably start with if you haven’t read Gillian Flynn, then shame on you. Now after saying that, I must put in a caveat. If dark, moody, borderline icky plots disturb you, maybe you should avoid reading her. Because Dark Places is pretty much what this book is. It’s a dark place, alright.

Libby Day was 7 when her brother murdered her entire family with an axe and a shot gun. She ran from the killer and survived. Now, after 25 years, a group called The Kill Club wants to pay her for her memories, her family heirlooms, and her help in proving that the testimony she gave when she was 7 years old was wrong. They believe her brother did not kill her family, and they want her help proving it. Libby agrees, especially since they will pay her, and her trust fund is running out. She can’t get a job and she doesn’t want one, so why not? Did her brother kill her family? Was it her alcoholic father? Was it someone else?

Libby is a broken, hurting woman, even if she doesn’t want to truly admit it to herself. Gillian Flynn seems to specialize in these types of characters, and she does a good job creating them. Libby grows, and I enjoyed watching her grow without losing who she was in the beginning.
The story flows from present day, following Libby as she uncovers the truth about her family, piece by piece, and into various chapters narrated by Libby’s mother and brother in the days leading up to the murders. You learn the truth as Libby does, and see it from both sides: Libby as she uncovers it and from the involved actors as well. It’s a very effective way to narrate the story. It’s not new, but I liked it.

Like I said before, Gillian Flynn is one of my new favorite authors. Sharp Objects blew me away. Dark Places definitely did not disappoint. This woman cannot write fast enough for me.

Rating: 5 Purrs for writing the best novel I have read in a while. It kept me engrossed and turning the pages for hours.