The Terror by Dan Simmons

I read several of The Hyperion series by Dan Simmons starting way back in high school. He is still one of the few sci-fi writers I can truly enjoy, so when I saw he wrote a horror novel I was really surprised. In fact, I went back and made sure it was the same Dan Simmons. I was even more surprised to see it on several top 10 lists, including Stephen King’s list in Entertainment Weekly. I had let this book sit on my bookshelf for a while, intimidated by its size and subject matter. I am very glad I finally picked it up and listened to the folks who thought so highly of it.

In The Terror, Dan Simmons creates a fictionalized story of the doomed Franklin Expedition. In 1845, two ships, the Erebus and the Terror, left England on a quest to find the Northwest Passage to the Pacific. They never returned. Rescue missions were sent, and few answers or traces were ever found. Dan Simmons takes what history knows and builds a deeply engrossing adventure, horror, and fantasy novel. In Dan Simmons version, the men of the Erebus and the Terror are frozen in the Arctic for the third (or second, I can’t remember to be honest) winter. Franklin is dead, and the two ships are dealing with not just frozen temperatures, rancid food, low rations of rum, and the general crew issues that come up in those kind of conditions, but also a weird tongue-less Eskimo woman and a strange beast that may be a polar bear or it may be something else. The “thing on the ice” is stalking the crew, and for the longest time I didn’t know if it was a polar bear, a figment of their imagination, or something like my old friend The Shrike from the Hyperion novels. It’s a definite pull into the narrative – is it real or is it symbolic for the evil within? (well, yes, but it’s also a rip-tastic slashie beastie.)

What stands out most to me about this book was the attention to detail. After reading it, I went to Wikipedia to find out more about the Franklin Expedition and I was surprised at how much truth there was in this fiction. Franklin of The Terror and Franklin of the real world were the epitome of that “British spirit of exploration,” a man who brings along fine china to the Arctic and yet refuses to adopt native customs that might help his crew live.

I really don’t know what compelled me more, the true story of the Franklin Expedition or the story that Dan Simmons tells and the idea that some of it might be true. The “thing on the ice” became secondary to me when faced with the bare facts of a crew of men faces the odds this crew faced: starvation, freezing temperatures, cannibalism, murder, psychosis, scurvy, the list goes on. Wow. This is one of those rare books that is more than just a horror story. Strip out the gore & beastie and you still have a novel fraught with horror .  Don’t let the thickness of the book scare you away. It’s an excellent read, just make sure you are ready to stomach some big icky areas.

Rating: 5 Purrs for a book well-worth the time and effort it took to read it. I love to find a book that scared me, disturbed me, and taught me something all in one story.

 

Scarecrows

“They only want a brain – yours.”

This is my first foray into the Final Girl Film Club, although I have seen several of the films she has selected. I finally remembered to rent the film on time, remembered to watch it in advance, and actually took notes while watching the movie. I prepared for this thing. I studied.

Ah Scarecrows, how I wanted to love you and hold you close and possibly marry you. I had high hopes. After all, the plot sounded right up my alley. A group of thieves steal the Camp Pendleton payroll and kidnap a pilot and his daughter to get away. On the way to Mexico, the always-popular destination for thieves on the run, one of the thieves double-crosses the crew, dumps the loot out of the plane, and parachutes into a graveyard surrounded by creepy looking scarecrows. The chase begins. Will the group survive the night? Why are there scarecrows surrounding a graveyard? Will the girl and her father get away? Will greed ruin the close-knit team of thieves? Only time will tell.

Scarecrows had its good times and bad times for me. I went into it thinking this plot is so silly it’s got to be so-bad-its-good. Right from the start, I thought - Exorcist opening credits steal, that’s okay. Oh and look – a very cute dog. Don’t hurt the dog. But then, well, I got bored. Scarecrows are undoubtedly creepy. It’s a horror film staple – no one likes those scary guardians of the harvest. Wizard of Oz is maybe the only example of a nice scarecrow I can think of, and he didn’t have a brain so he’s pretty much a zombie scarecrow. Jeepers Creepers 2, Children of the Corn, etc. used the idea, plus I am sure there were a Supernatural episode and at least one X-Files episode in there too. But there was so little action in the first part of the movie I had a hard time paying attention. I don’t expect a lot of character development in a film like this but some tension would be nice. And what was with the voice-overs? Everyone was talking in voice-over like the sound guy wasn’t in residence that day. I began to think that the entire movie would be the group of thieves taunting Bert over their headsets. “You’re crow shit.” Awesome. I wanted Henry Rollins to come in a save the day like he does in Wrong Turn 2. My questions morphed from does the team survive to does Bert ever actually talk out loud? Holy shit that scarecrow just knifed Bert! Something finally happened! Ah – scarecrow surprise in the night vision scope!

(I do have to admit, it made perfect sense to me for the lady thief to check out her hair and makeup in her Clinique blush compact in the middle of the film and then let the kidnapped chica check hers out too. After all, how can you successfully navigate murderous scarecrows if your hair is out of place?)

Then finally the movie gets interesting. The girls had to prepare first, then it really kicks off. Our traitor friend Bert shows up all zombified and the gang rips into him, literally. I’m not sure what I expected there but it wasn’t what you see. Wow. That was the second best part of the movie. Especially when the guys think he’s eaten all of that, and then one of them says, “We’ll have to refrigerate this, it stinks.” Ha! Then rusty saws, limb removal, pitchforks, and scythes all come out to play and the thieves are picked off one by one. I’ve always though a pitchfork was a terribly dangerous tool – how do farmers keep from maiming themselves? Of course, somewhere along the say the kidnapped girl actually starts caring for the folks that kidnapped her and left her an orphan and they all “have to work together to get out of here” and away from the murderous scarecrows. It was sudden, but expected.

But Scarecrows saves my favorite part until the end. Scarecrow-Zombie-dog. Freakin’ awesome. Why did they leave that to the end?

I think, all in all I am pretty neutral on Scarecrows. It had good parts, but the slow start up really did me in. Zombie-dog saved it, and some of the creepy farmhouse and scarecrow atmosphere worked, but the acting and casting was atrocious.

Rating: 3 1/2 Purrs for a film that had potential but didn’t live up to my expectations. Zombie-dog should have gotten more screen time.

HEY, INTERNET, STOP BEING SUCH CYNICAL EFFING DOUCHEBAGS BLOG-A-THON!

So one of my favorite blogs in the world to read is Final Girl, and she put the call out -

One day, and one day only: Tuesday, March 18.
You: write about something in the world of film that fills you with complete and total unbridled fucking retarded JOY.

So how can I ignore that? The problem I find is picking out just one thing to write about that fills me with stupid, toe-wiggling joy when it comes to movies. It's like someone asking me to pick just *one* favorite movie or just *one* favorite book. So to take the easy way out, I'll list a few joy inducing items here.

Movies I will watch anytime, anyplace, always, as many times as I can.

I have a few movies I will watch pretty much anytime they show up on my satellite. These movies are the ones I pull out of my DVD boxes most often. My husband groans every time one of these comes on because he's the type that will watch a movie once and be done with it. I'll watch JAWS anytime it's on TV. I'll watch it on DVD. I'll watch it edited and dubbed. When Roy Schneider sees the shark for the first time and says, "We're gonna need a bigger boat," I actually clap my hands with joy. I love the Die Hard trilogy (or quadrology now I suppose). "Now I know what a TV dinner feels like." Awesome. Anytime it's on TV. Halloween. Friday the 13th (I mean, hello - sexy vegetarian chick and creepy ass crazy Momma). Agatha Christie adaptations especially those with Peter Ustinov. (Those lead into my obsession with old people solve crimes media like Murder, She Wrote and Matlock.) The list goes on...

Italian Giallo

When I started college a friend introduced me to Dario Argento. I watched Suspiria and there was no turning back. Ever since NetFlix (another thing I love - access to movies I never would find on shelves at the Evil Empire) was founded and I joined I have watched every single Giallo I can find. I love the so very ultra-mod Seventies fashions, the badly filmed sex scenes, the mystery, the fake red blood, the overall silliness of them all.

Night of the Comet

If I had to pick just one movie. Just one to take with me on a deserted island with a TV and DVD player of course, it would be Night of the Comet. I anticipated the DVD release for this movie like Star Wars geeks foamed at the mouth for the new trilogy. Valley girls are the last people on earth after a comet wipes out the other folks in sunny CA. All that's left are these chicks and some zombies. "Daddy would have gotten us UZIs." Awesome. This is the movie I insist on people watching over and over. Plus - Zombies! Catherine Mary Stewart! UZIs! Shopping Malls!

Roger Corman Movies

Rock-n-Roll High School. Pirahna. Humanoids from the Deep. P.J. Soles. The Ramones. Riff Randall! Angry puppet fish! Lumberjack Man and his little blond daughter. Perky insurance investigators! Barbara Steele! Doug McClure! Slimy fish monsters impregnating women! The Alien-like fish birth! "Terror! Horror! Death! Film at Eleven."

My Current Favorite - Black Sheep

I read about this movie in Entertainment Weekly and saw "were-sheep." I said to myself, I must have this movie. I must see it now. And I finally did. Lamb jokes. Mint sauce, vegan animal rights activists. Special effects by the folks who did Lord of the Rings. Were-sheep.

"You hear that? Sounds like someone is sheering."

Oh man, I am smiling with joy just thinking about it. Black Sheep - It had me at "were-sheep."

I'll stop now cause I could go on. For hours. Just remember - were-sheep, angry puppet fish, feeling like a TV dinner, and those sexxxxy mod 7's fashions. Things that fill me with joy.

The Psychic

I loved the cover art on this DVD, but to be honest, I can’t figure out what in the world it has to do with the film. Nevertheless, The Psychic is a well-crafted Giallo by Lucio Fulci. It’s not in the top ten Giallos I have seen, but there are several twists and turns that make it worth a viewing.

In The Psychic, Jennifer O’Neill plays a newly married young woman who has just dropped off her husband at the airport for a business trip. On the way home, she is plagued by sudden visions of a woman being murdered. When she finally arrives at her husband's Italian villa, she recognizes the room where the visions took place, and when she breaks into a section of the wall, she discovers a skeleton. Her psychiatrist thinks the only thing to do is help her find the truth about who the person was and to clear her husband’s name, so a-investigating she goes with quite a bit of help from her shrink’s assistant. That girl seems to be able to find just about anything – think Wikipedia in human skin.

Overall this Giallo had no nudity and little gore, unlike most of the genre. However, there are some creepy scenes, including the chase through the old house onto the scaffolding. It’s a nice, clean little mystery that is heavily influenced by Edgar Allan Poe’s The Black Cat. It’s not that it isn’t a good film; it’s just that others have been so much better.

Rating: 3 ½ purrs for a nicely crafted mystery and a creepy final 30 minutes

 

Hatchet

I rented Hatchet because it was tagged as “a return to old school American horror.” Well, they lied. Hatchet was nothing like Halloween, nothing like Friday the 13^th, and nothing like Nightmare on Elm Street. Maybe it’s because I saw the unrated version. Maybe if I had seen the cut version I would have liked it better.

In Hatchet, a group of friends are down in New Orleans for Mardi Gras/Spring Break. The main guy has been recently dumped, so the last thing he wants to do is get a face full of breasts at every turn (all though for the life of me I don’t know why), so instead he drags his best pal along on a swamp boat tour run by an obvious out-of-towner. In the tour group, you have your two ladies who are auditioning for a soft porn movie and their stereotypical slimy director. You have your mom and pop tourists, your mysterious girl, and the two hapless college buddies. These folks think they are in for a haunted swamp tour, but instead they find out some local legends are true.  A crazed hatchet baring deformed psycho really does live there, and he wants their blood.

If you are looking for gore, you will find in it abundance in the unrated version. All I know is that in this day and age, it just looked silly. The spurting limbs reminded me way too much of Monty Python and not enough of Chainsaw. The plot was just ridiculous. Why does everyone feel like they have to explain everything? I like the movie where shit just happens, and who knows why? It’s scarier to not know.

I can’t really put a finger on what it was about this movie that disappointed me, but after renting it, I was sure happy I didn’t spend the 9.99 on it that Best Buy was charging. To me, that says a lot.

Rating: 3 Purrs for a snore-fest that while there were boob shots galore it was missing a soul

The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

The Time Traveler’s Wife was talked and talked about as an excellent read, so I had to pick it up and see what all the fuss was about. What a surprise – it was a good as the critics said it was.

In The Time Traveler’s Wife, Audrey Niffenegger tells the story of Henry and Clare. Henry is a librarian (yeah for librarians!) who has an unfortunate affliction – he time travels, spontaneously and without any real control over where he ends up.  The only real guarantee is that it ends up being sometime and somewhere in his lifeline. One of these leaps in time brings him to Clare’s field outside of her family’s large house in the country. She is pretty young at the time, and from there begins a life-long friendship and eventually romance. Time travel can be a problem for a relationship, though, as Henry’s age and his meetings with Clare end up varying from middle-aged Henry to young man Henry while she continues in a normal lifeline and ages normally. 

It sounds like it could be silly, a gimmicky, sappy love story, but Niffenegger never lets the story reduce itself to that. Henry and Clare build a life together as they can, and along that love and relationship all the struggles of a normal relationship are aired. It’s a beautifully detailed story, further enhanced by all of the secondary characters and plots. There is Henry’s musician father, their eccentric best friends, Henry’s other girlfriends, Clare’s family, the doctor brought in to study Henry’s genetic abnormality that allows him to travel in time, and Clare and Henry’s child. It’s a very rich and engrossing fabric that enhances rather than takes away from the story. 

Part fantasy, part romance, part bittersweet story of life lived; The Time Traveler’s Wife was one of the best books I have read last year. It was engrossing, thought provoking, and beautiful. You end up with a picture of life lived is worth the weirdness and struggles.  Instead of focusing on the eccentricity time travel brings into their lives, you really are left with one thing: Henry is Clare’s savior and she, his.

Rating: 5 Purrs for a story that sticks in your head for a long, long time

Wrong Turn 2: Dead End

I really loved Wrong Turn. It was campy, gory fun. Eliza Dushku is always yummy, and Desmond Harrington is a great yummy guy too. The scenes were tense, and I never drive through those many small towns on the way to New Mexico without thinking of Wrong Turn. The sequel wasn’t as good, of course, but it was still a pretty decent follow-up to the original. After all, Henry Rollins was in it.

In Wrong Turn 2, six 20-somethings sign up to participate in a survival reality show. They must survive the ”apocalypse” which unfortunately is taking place in the middle of the West Virginia woods. I say unfortunately because those woods just happen to contain our favorite mutant cannibals who just love to eat fresh meat. The contestants are fresh pickings for the hungry family, and one by one they die in very sudden and gruesome ways.

Henry Rollins has a great time playing the head of the reality show, a tough as nails ex-military man who battles it out with the crazed cannibals. Erica Leerson from Texas Chainsaw Massacre the remake and Blair Witch 2 plays the angry vegan chick that fights her way through the forest.

Overall it was a fun straight-to-video flick with lots of gore. I thought the first had more suspense and scares, but this one was worth a rental.

Rating: 3 ½ Purrs for Henry Rollins and his very aggressive tattoos and playing with dynomite and you have to love that wood chipper thing

Vamp

I remember seeing posters for Vamp when I was younger, but never was able to find a copy of it when I actually got into horror movies. Finally, NetFlix came to my rescue. Vamp was one of those 80’s comedy-horror movies that’s very similar to Fright Night and the like.

In Vamp, some fraternity pledges are out on the town looking for a stripper for their fraternity party. In true 80’s teen comedy fashion, their honest look for a good time turns into a zany adventure, complete with vampire strippers. At the After Dark club, the girls want more than your dollar bills; they want your blood. Will the guys survive the night? Will the guy get the girl? What about the best friend?

Grace Jones plays the main vampire, and she’s just as much of a freak you think she might be. Her costumes are pretty amazing, especially the Keith Herring body paint. Deedee Pfeiffer is very cute as the cocktail waitress/love interest that has a past with our hero, Chris Makepeace. All of the actors were good in an 80’s teen movie kind of way.

Overall, it is a very fun vampire movie, and if you liked Fright Night or those goofy movies like Once Bitten, you’d probably like Vamp. It’s almost like Porky’s, except with vampires. A vampire sex comedy – what more could you ask for?

Rating: 3 ½ Purrs for Deedee Pfeiffer - she's so darn cute! and for Grace Jones being the freak that she is

The Reaping

“How do I know? How do I know what's real?”

The Reaping was a fairly decent thriller. The concept sounded fairly intriguing, so I gave it a viewing. It wasn’t half bad, but it’s not going to make any of my top 10, 20, or even 30 lists.

In The Reaping, Hilary Swank plays Katherine Winter, a former missionary who has lost her faith. She now travels the world, debunking supposed miracles using scientific tests. She is soon called to Haven, Louisiana to investigate a series of so-called biblical plagues. Katherine uses her science to try and debunk these happenings, but as time goes on, she wonders what she should believe. Is this real? Is the creepy young girl the cause? Should she be destroyed? Who can Katherine really trust?

The Reaping does a fairly good job of throwing some realistic looking plagues at the audience, and the atmosphere of Haven is heavy with fear and deception. I don’t think any of the actors really outshined the material, but the script holds up with some creepiness, good atmosphere, and tension. The first little twist at the end wasn’t all that much of a twist, but you know, I don’t really care too much for twist endings anyway. Most of the time it’s not a twist to me; I figure it out way before the end.

I wouldn’t say this is one to buy, but it’s good for a rental, a big tub of popcorn, and a few empty hours to fill.

Rating: 3 1/5 Purrs for a decent biblical thriller, some serious looking plagues, and a creepy kid.

The Murders of Richard III by Elizabeth Peters

I read The Murders of Richard III ages ago, maybe junior high if I remember correctly. I forgot the name, and then stumbled upon this awesome group on Live Journal called “what’s that book.” I posted a summary of what I could remember and BAM – I had the name of this book in maybe a day. I had better memories of the book than the actual book, but overall it was a light, frothy mystery read.

In The Murders of Richard III, Thomas invites fellow academic Jacqueline Kirby to a gathering of friends who believe Richard III was innocent of the murders he is accused of committing. The group is gathering for their historical reenactment and to celebrate the finding of a new letter that supposedly will exonerate Richard. The problem is, someone is pulling pranks, putting the members of the group in the positions and situations like the real murders. Who will be next? Are they safe or will someone really get hurt? Jacqueline and Thomas race to find out who is behind the pranks, all while Elizabeth Peters includes plenty of historical references to keep the history buffs intrigued.

I remember this book being much deeper and involved, but then again, it has been awhile since I read it the first time. The characters are a bit stereotypical, but the historical information and the parlor mystery aspect made this one a fun read. If you go into it not expected a heavily plotted mystery, you won’t be disappointed. Just go into it with proper expectations.

Rating: 3 ½ stars for a trip down memory lane