Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Darkwolf

Holy cow, you don't get much worse than Darkwolf. Well, maybe you do. I have seen a lot of horror movies. But with Stephen Williams (X-Files' Mr. X) and Tippi Hedren, I thought maybe this would be a bit higher caliber than what it turned out to be. Instead, I got a movie version of that old Showtime series, The Hunger. (Remember that? No? Well, okay...think adult situations, poor acting, really bad dialog, and a bit of blood thrown in.)

Long story short, Josie (Samaire Armstrong, the oh so adorable geek hipster from The O.C. and a the X-Files episode The Lord of the Flies, oh yeah, and Stay Alive, one of my favorite guilty pleasures) is just a waitress with big dreams. What she soon finds out is she isn't just a med student to be. She's actual the last of some werewolf line that the big baddie wants to mate with. After Tippi Hedren bites it, Josie is left under the protection of Officer Steve, who happens to know a whole heck of a lot of werewolf history. Convenient.

The werewolf effects are so bad I almost laughed out loud. On one hand, it looks like a really bad computer game from maybe 10 years ago, in other shots, it looks like a guy wearing a bearskin rug crawling around towards the camera. The dialog for this is so bad that I don't know if better actors could have made it any better, but I doubt it. Just copy & paste from the cliche handbook and you have it taken care of. Girl and cop share a tender moment after she freaks. Check. I know my rights. Yep, that one too. What's happening to me? Got it. Oh yeah, don't forget to add an opening set in possibly the unsexiest strip club ever shown on film and mid-way a ri-god-damn-diculous girls dressed up in a naked werewolves photo shoot with two females with no chemistry what-so-ever, and you have yourself Darkwolf

Do yourself a favor and spend your two hours watching something more worthwhile. Like, I don't know, Underworld (famous people LARPing!) which at least had Kate Beckinsale in it, The Monster Squad which I remember fondly from my younger years, Ginger Snaps, Waxwork (go Deborah Foreman!), heck, even that old TV show She-Wolf of London would be better than this

Rating: I can't even begin...I am at a loss

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