I tried very, very hard to not read these books. I looked at them much like I looked at the Harry Potter books when they first came out – I sneered. I said to myself – they are “teen vampire romance novels.” I rolled my eyes. I mocked and said no way. Then I made the mistake of picking one up. (I lay the blame on my brother's girlfriend. It's on her doorstep. She's such an enabler.) I said to myself, okay, fine, fine. I’ll try it out and see what the big deal is. Next thing I know I am voraciously reading
Twilight like it’s the next best thing to a full-bodied, aged Cabernet that I can’t get enough of. Honestly though, instead of comparing these books to a Cabernet, I should probably compare them to those iced sugar cookies you can get at the grocery store. You know they aren't good for you, you know there' s nothing good or natural in them, but you can't just eat one. Then, you'll crave them later, like I imagine a crack addict probably craves the rock.
If you haven't been living under a rock, you'll know that there are 4 books in the series, all outlining the ins and outs, the ups and downs of Bella Swann, normal, clumsy (ahem Mary Sue ahem) high school girl and the love of her life Edward Cullen, who also happens to be a vampire who doesn't believe in eating people. That's it in a nutshell. Throw the word teenager in there, think back to when you were one, add a little vampire, and rinse repeat for 4 books. There's drama, there's OMG I want to kiss you/eat you OMG you're so perfect, etc., and there some stalking in there for color.
Twilight starts off with Bella Swann moving from Pheonix, AZ to Forks, WA to live with her dad. Her mom's recently remarried, and Bella wants to give her mom some space, so off she goes to the great rainy Northwest, where the sun hardly shines and Bella is so sure she will be miserable. Here in Forks, Bella meets Edward Cullen. He's a strange boy. He's pale, hangs out only with his family (the equally beautiful Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett), and when she sits next to him in biology he acts like she has the plague. He confuses the heck out of her, and naturally she falls head over heels for him. The rest of the book pretty much runs the gamut of OMG does he like me, no way could he like me, oh wow he does like me, oh wow you sparkle in the sun (yes sparkles. see - silly and yet OMG), oh crap someone wants to kill me, oh yeah he loves me.
Rating: 5 Purrs. Yes, it's totally emo. They are both incredibly silly emo kids mooning over each other but I totally loved every second of it, even the creepy stalker vampire boyfriend parts. The story was totally Mary Sue, but I could relate to some of Bella's sad little emo teen-ness and the story was fun. Like I said - sugar cookie goodness.
New Moon is all about Edward running away because he thinks he has no soul and that he or one of his family members will probably kill Bella. Enter Bella the zombie-girl and Jacob the best friend trying to get into her pants (so to speak. Also *werewolf*). Also, lots of I must keep up appearances, oh wow I am so using you to hide how craptastic I feel, let's go do dangerous stuff so I can try and kill myself but not really, really try to kill myself, oh I shouldn't treat you this way, holy crap will he really go off and kill himself, I can save the day if I don't trip, and BAM oh shit, you love me, really?
Rating: 4 Purrs. Kind of silly, but not too terrible follow up. You can see why he left and why she saves him.
Eclipse is pretty much about the continuing love triangle between Jacob, Bella, and Edward. Edward's decided to stick around, and now Jacob's out to try and convince Bella she wants him instead. In doing so he becomes way too close to a previous relationship of mine for me to like anymore (angry boy, let's say). So it's pretty much: oh somethings up out in Seattle with some mysterious deaths, oh crap could it be a leftover bad guy from the previous books, oh yes it might, oh crap Bella's in danger, grr we will fight over who can protect her best, oh shit I really love both of them but I choose him, can we save the day whoops maybe I shouldn't have done that, awesome new wolf friend Seth high-fiving Eddie, whee we can get married way too young cause of course I don't mind your antiquated sensibilities my dearest sparkly vampire boyfriend.
Rating: The controlling nature of the two boys irritates me here, but I like Seth a lot so I can't give it less that 3.75 stars.
And then there was
Breaking Dawn. Oh man. Seriously. Married at 18? Really? Feather biting, bedframe breaking vamp on human sex? Not too bad but woefully under written (of course this is a teen book, so I can forgive that) I'm sorry, did this really include a vamp-human hybrid mommy-killing baby? Yes it did. This one was broken into 3 parts, and I could have done without the second one completely. In fact the whole Nessie storyline could have gone away and I would have been so much happier. So this one was: married! Sex! Uh oh human killing, blood drinking baby on board, whoops - you
imprinted on
my baby? Whee I'm a vampire (finally I might add. Seriously it took 4 books?) and I am so good add it (ahem Mary Sue ahem again) and I save the day cause I really love my new family grrrr I will protect you with my mind-shield.
Rating: 3 Purrs - Bella the vampire was the awesome. She was fun. Edward became a seriously whiny bitch that ruined him as a character to me and Jacob creeped me out even more. Seth however was a win. Alice - always love her. What I hated the most - that Bella didn't have to really give up *anything.* After 3 whole books of knowing what she would give up to follow the life she wanted, she ended up having it all. It would have been nice for there to have been some consequences to her actions. I know it's fiction and a fairy tale. I wouldn't feel cheated if it hadn't been an underlying theme in all the books previous.
Overall, I loved these books. They were totally silly. They were totally not good fiction and most definitely not the "next Harry Potter," (J.K. Rowling has much better character development and plus, people actually face the repercussions of their actions in Potter books.) but I loved them anyway. My brother's girlfriend and I have midnight tickets to see the film and are debating which t-shirt to buy to wear to the festivities. I am embarassed at my love for these books. Having a devastating crush on Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart doesn't help matters (Ed & Bella in the movie) The books are just.so.bad. and yet I just.can't.stop. In fact, writing about them makes me want to run home and read all four again back to back. I am addicted to Twilight Tuesdays on the MTV blog and
cleolinda's livejournal posts about the books.
I am sick. Please send help. (If he's sparkly, a vampire named Edward, and writes music even better.)
See? I'm a lost cause.
Sigh.
