I subjected poor JudoMaster to Pinata: Survival Island, one of my very favorite really bad horror movies, this past weekend. He survived, but just barely. He may be rethinking this whole marriage thing after it, but he's still here, so maybe I am in the clear.
Pinata: Survival Island is what it sounds like. A group of college kids are on an island for a Cinco de Mayo party to drink themselves silly and do what college kids do best. Unfortunately they come across a demon possessed pinata (yes, you read that right) that has other plans. Pretty soon, the crazed pinata is hunting them down, one by one, as they try to escape its wrath and make it to May 6th alive.
Why do I love this movie so much? Well, Jaime Pressley and Nicholas Brendon first of all. Yep. Buffy fans everywhere have to deal with Xander as a sexy college guy. A little bit of a leap, but he shows some nicely toned arms so...Second - Demon Possessed Pinata. How much better can it get than that? It's pretty freakin' fantastic and you know it. It's awful, really it is. Awful special effects, really bad acting, obvious backyard LA setting. But did you see that I said Demon Possessed Pinata? It's almost as if someone read my mind and pulled out my hopes & dreams and made a movie.
If you like really bad, really silly horror flicks you might give this one a whirl. I can't warn you enough that it really, truly is bad, but hell, I love it anyway. I mean, I did have demon possessed goats in my wedding vows, so that shouldn't surprise you too much.
Rating: 5 big old purrs
Showing posts with label srsly?. Show all posts
Showing posts with label srsly?. Show all posts
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Friday, July 02, 2010
Avatar
"I'm probably just talking to a tree right now..."
Really, that sums it up. Avatar is Ferngully with really nifty computer animation. Everyone is cardboard. The hero is heroic, the anthropologist is a tree hugger, and the big company and big army evil doers are well, evil.
Yeah, the plot, is all about your stereotypical big bad company finding an untouched, misunderstood wilderness and looking for ways to exploit it. If that means running out and massacring all of the locals by making them out to be savages, well even better. My favorite part was when the bad guy runs out into the unbreathable atmosphere without his oxygen mask to shoot the tree huggers and HOLDS HIS BREATH. Oh, and the slow motion action scenes. Let's not forget when the whole end of the movie was telegraphed, um, from the minute she talked about the legend of the Braveheart guy who brought all of the clans together.
Don't get me wrong. The CGI is amazing, if you can get past the fact that it glows like a velvet Elvis painting under a blacklight. But really, even bells and whistles do not a Oscar winner make. Thank god. Because let's face it, The Hurt Locker- that had action, character development, visuals that made your blood chill, and enough tension that I couldn't keep my hands unclenched. Oh yeah, AND it had a point to make too, Mr. Cameron, without beating me over the head with it.
Rating: Bah. It's no wonder there's a RiffTrax. It's the only way I will watch this again.
- Posted using BlogPress from Bruce
Really, that sums it up. Avatar is Ferngully with really nifty computer animation. Everyone is cardboard. The hero is heroic, the anthropologist is a tree hugger, and the big company and big army evil doers are well, evil.
Yeah, the plot, is all about your stereotypical big bad company finding an untouched, misunderstood wilderness and looking for ways to exploit it. If that means running out and massacring all of the locals by making them out to be savages, well even better. My favorite part was when the bad guy runs out into the unbreathable atmosphere without his oxygen mask to shoot the tree huggers and HOLDS HIS BREATH. Oh, and the slow motion action scenes. Let's not forget when the whole end of the movie was telegraphed, um, from the minute she talked about the legend of the Braveheart guy who brought all of the clans together.
Don't get me wrong. The CGI is amazing, if you can get past the fact that it glows like a velvet Elvis painting under a blacklight. But really, even bells and whistles do not a Oscar winner make. Thank god. Because let's face it, The Hurt Locker- that had action, character development, visuals that made your blood chill, and enough tension that I couldn't keep my hands unclenched. Oh yeah, AND it had a point to make too, Mr. Cameron, without beating me over the head with it.
Rating: Bah. It's no wonder there's a RiffTrax. It's the only way I will watch this again.
- Posted using BlogPress from Bruce
Location:On my couch in the she-cave
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Watch Instantly Day 2
I am currently addicted to watching horror movies on NetFlix Watch Instantly. I have been catching up on chores so I figure why not?
Here's today's haul:
Laid to Rest: This one ended up being a pretty decent slasher flick, surprisingly enough. A girl wakes up in a coffin with no idea who she is or where she is. She soon figures out that the guy in the Destro mask is out to kill her, and she must fight her way through this very small town to safety before he kills her. Lena Headley and Johnathan Schaech have small parts. The acting is good in this one. The plot isn't terribly original but the gore is rampant. Not bad for a rainy day.
Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus: You know you want to watch. You know you can't turn away. Nothing beats a movie that stars Debbie Gibson as an oceanographer who discovers the polar ice caps melting have released a giant octopus that devours oils rigs and a giant shark who leaps out of the ocean to snags planes from the air. This movie is epic. Debbie Gibson does science and stuff with test tubes! It even stars Lorenzo Lamas. How can you *not* watch it? I may have to buy this on DVD. It's so bad it's awesome.
Cold Prey: This Norwegian thriller is so very good. A group of friends go snowboarding off the beaten path to avoid the lines and tourists. Of course one of the friends hurts themselves and they ahve to take shelter for the night in a deserted inn. It's very creepy - my favorite setting is the old deserted location (you know, ghost ship, haunted houses, abandoned hospitals, etc.). The hapless, unsuspecting kiddos are sliced and diced but what's best about is you hardly ever see the killer. You see snippets of the boots, the axe, the parka, but it's like Jaws. No shark until the end. Really, this one is worth watching. It's tense, it's bloody, it's scary, it's got eye candy. The worse thing is the over-dubbing on the Watch Instantly version. The voices are bad and a bit cheesy. Definitely worth a watch - must look for the sequel.
Here's today's haul:
Laid to Rest: This one ended up being a pretty decent slasher flick, surprisingly enough. A girl wakes up in a coffin with no idea who she is or where she is. She soon figures out that the guy in the Destro mask is out to kill her, and she must fight her way through this very small town to safety before he kills her. Lena Headley and Johnathan Schaech have small parts. The acting is good in this one. The plot isn't terribly original but the gore is rampant. Not bad for a rainy day.
Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus: You know you want to watch. You know you can't turn away. Nothing beats a movie that stars Debbie Gibson as an oceanographer who discovers the polar ice caps melting have released a giant octopus that devours oils rigs and a giant shark who leaps out of the ocean to snags planes from the air. This movie is epic. Debbie Gibson does science and stuff with test tubes! It even stars Lorenzo Lamas. How can you *not* watch it? I may have to buy this on DVD. It's so bad it's awesome.
Cold Prey: This Norwegian thriller is so very good. A group of friends go snowboarding off the beaten path to avoid the lines and tourists. Of course one of the friends hurts themselves and they ahve to take shelter for the night in a deserted inn. It's very creepy - my favorite setting is the old deserted location (you know, ghost ship, haunted houses, abandoned hospitals, etc.). The hapless, unsuspecting kiddos are sliced and diced but what's best about is you hardly ever see the killer. You see snippets of the boots, the axe, the parka, but it's like Jaws. No shark until the end. Really, this one is worth watching. It's tense, it's bloody, it's scary, it's got eye candy. The worse thing is the over-dubbing on the Watch Instantly version. The voices are bad and a bit cheesy. Definitely worth a watch - must look for the sequel.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
The Mutant Chronicles
I rented The Mutant Chronicles from NetFlix, mostly because I love Thomas Jane in just about anything. I'm not sure I can forgive him this one though. This one felt more like a straight to SyFy (why oh why change your name why?) flick, not even a straight to DVD flick. It was that bad.
In some weird steampunk 1910 type universe, there are 4 corporations. They fight each other using trench warfare. A hole opens up and the mutants come out, slashing in lovely CGI gore. (by lovely I mean BAD. Really bad.) The world is lost (oh no!) and the Fellowship of the Ring must take the one ring to Mordor...wait wrong movie. A rag tag group of super fighters from the various corporations must band together to blow up the machine and save the planet. I know, it is as silly as it sounds.
What seemed somewhat interesting at first only heads pretty much straight into boring, oh-my-god seriously territory very quickly. The idea of a steampunk type world based on WWI rather than the Victorian Age could have been really interesting. In fact it held my attention here and there. Unfortunately the painful acting, awful plot, and ridiculous John Malkovich cameo just killed it. Oh and the, really that's the end ending. That too. I knew the minute the camera panned up to a red-clocked figure and I saw it was Ron Perlman that this movie was doomed. I like Ron Perlman, but with a fake accent and missing his HellBoy make-up, well, it just didn't seem right.
I really wouldn't recommend this one even to die-hard sci-fi fans. It's just too painful. And I like goofy sci-fi movies. Shut off the DVD player and read some Philip K Dick instead.
Rating: Hiss. Hiss I say!
In some weird steampunk 1910 type universe, there are 4 corporations. They fight each other using trench warfare. A hole opens up and the mutants come out, slashing in lovely CGI gore. (by lovely I mean BAD. Really bad.) The world is lost (oh no!) and the Fellowship of the Ring must take the one ring to Mordor...wait wrong movie. A rag tag group of super fighters from the various corporations must band together to blow up the machine and save the planet. I know, it is as silly as it sounds.
What seemed somewhat interesting at first only heads pretty much straight into boring, oh-my-god seriously territory very quickly. The idea of a steampunk type world based on WWI rather than the Victorian Age could have been really interesting. In fact it held my attention here and there. Unfortunately the painful acting, awful plot, and ridiculous John Malkovich cameo just killed it. Oh and the, really that's the end ending. That too. I knew the minute the camera panned up to a red-clocked figure and I saw it was Ron Perlman that this movie was doomed. I like Ron Perlman, but with a fake accent and missing his HellBoy make-up, well, it just didn't seem right.
I really wouldn't recommend this one even to die-hard sci-fi fans. It's just too painful. And I like goofy sci-fi movies. Shut off the DVD player and read some Philip K Dick instead.
Rating: Hiss. Hiss I say!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
The Happening
I avoided The Happening like the plague until it finally came on HBO and I DVRd it. I really wish, after watching it all the way through, mouth agape in wonder at how bad a movie could possibly be, that I could hunt Mr. Sixth Sense down and ask him for my hour and a half back. I mean, I have seen bad movies. I enjoy bad movies. I watch them with relish. Usually, those movies are so bad they are good. Even Manos, Hands of Fate was worthy of watching, simply because the MST3K guys made watching it enjoyable. I am sad to say that I doubt even those guys could make The Happening worth watching again. I think my mistake wasn’t hunting down a RiffTrax or Cinematic Titanic track to watch with it. Then maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t be so bitter about the 1.5 hours this movie cost me. I don’t know though. Maybe not.
What I liked about this movie. Hm. That’s a tough one. Is there anything? Well, there were some scenes that could have been truly disturbing. Unfortunately, they were all in the trailer. The images of people throwing themselves off of buildings, hanging from trees, and all other forms of mass suicide could have been horrific, if they were in the hands of a more capable director. Unfortunately, they weren’t.
I could take that leap of faith and think that Marky Mark Walberg was intelligent enough to actually teach a junior high science class. If I squinted enough and just jumped right in there and suspended that disbelief, I could believe that two people, one of whom is a favorite actress (Zooey Deshanel) could be married, despite a complete lack of chemistry. I mean, a complete lack. None. In fact, I often wondered if they were in the same movie, shooting the same scenes together, seeing as so much of it is shot in single actor frames, sort of like how no one believes Pacino and DeNiro were in Heat together because they never seemed to be in the same frame. Seriously, so much of the movie was shot in these single actor frames I wonder if anyone was actually shooting the same scene at the same time.
So much of the plot was telegraphed early one that I can't help but think I would have known the big a-ha twist even if it hadn't been spoiled for me but dozens of others. I mean, at the beginning, one of the kids in Marky Mark's science class says, "An act of nature, and we'll never fully understand it." I think Mr. Sixth Sense thought he was being profound, but you know, not really. And when I heard it I knew it would come back around. And guess what. It did. And when it did, I seriously eye-rolled my whole body. I half-way expected some big drum roll in the background.
I don't think this movie was supposed to make me laugh, but it did. Out loud. I almost cried I laughed so hard. I seriously wonder if any of the actors read the script before signing on, and if they did, what on Earth possessed them to go ahead and sign up? If not, did they fire their agents after reading the script? And how on Earth did anyone greenlight this project? I want to find out who it was and punch them right in the baby-maker. Yes, yes I do.
If you want to watch a ludicrous killer plant movie, watch something better, like Day of the Triffids. Or better yet, read the book. It's a better use of your time than this painful. heavy-handed, oh-so-dramatic drivel. I swear this is the absolute last time I watch a M. Night Shyamalan movie. I have now been burned bad enough to take no more chances.
Rating: Can I give more than 5 hisses? Cause I would. Hell, it's my blog. Hisses to the infinite power for this one.
What I liked about this movie. Hm. That’s a tough one. Is there anything? Well, there were some scenes that could have been truly disturbing. Unfortunately, they were all in the trailer. The images of people throwing themselves off of buildings, hanging from trees, and all other forms of mass suicide could have been horrific, if they were in the hands of a more capable director. Unfortunately, they weren’t.
I could take that leap of faith and think that Marky Mark Walberg was intelligent enough to actually teach a junior high science class. If I squinted enough and just jumped right in there and suspended that disbelief, I could believe that two people, one of whom is a favorite actress (Zooey Deshanel) could be married, despite a complete lack of chemistry. I mean, a complete lack. None. In fact, I often wondered if they were in the same movie, shooting the same scenes together, seeing as so much of it is shot in single actor frames, sort of like how no one believes Pacino and DeNiro were in Heat together because they never seemed to be in the same frame. Seriously, so much of the movie was shot in these single actor frames I wonder if anyone was actually shooting the same scene at the same time.
So much of the plot was telegraphed early one that I can't help but think I would have known the big a-ha twist even if it hadn't been spoiled for me but dozens of others. I mean, at the beginning, one of the kids in Marky Mark's science class says, "An act of nature, and we'll never fully understand it." I think Mr. Sixth Sense thought he was being profound, but you know, not really. And when I heard it I knew it would come back around. And guess what. It did. And when it did, I seriously eye-rolled my whole body. I half-way expected some big drum roll in the background.
I don't think this movie was supposed to make me laugh, but it did. Out loud. I almost cried I laughed so hard. I seriously wonder if any of the actors read the script before signing on, and if they did, what on Earth possessed them to go ahead and sign up? If not, did they fire their agents after reading the script? And how on Earth did anyone greenlight this project? I want to find out who it was and punch them right in the baby-maker. Yes, yes I do.
If you want to watch a ludicrous killer plant movie, watch something better, like Day of the Triffids. Or better yet, read the book. It's a better use of your time than this painful. heavy-handed, oh-so-dramatic drivel. I swear this is the absolute last time I watch a M. Night Shyamalan movie. I have now been burned bad enough to take no more chances.
Rating: Can I give more than 5 hisses? Cause I would. Hell, it's my blog. Hisses to the infinite power for this one.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Darkwolf
Holy cow, you don't get much worse than Darkwolf. Well, maybe you do. I have seen a lot of horror movies. But with Stephen Williams (X-Files' Mr. X) and Tippi Hedren, I thought maybe this would be a bit higher caliber than what it turned out to be. Instead, I got a movie version of that old Showtime series, The Hunger. (Remember that? No? Well, okay...think adult situations, poor acting, really bad dialog, and a bit of blood thrown in.)
Long story short, Josie (Samaire Armstrong, the oh so adorable geek hipster from The O.C. and a the X-Files episode The Lord of the Flies, oh yeah, and Stay Alive, one of my favorite guilty pleasures) is just a waitress with big dreams. What she soon finds out is she isn't just a med student to be. She's actual the last of some werewolf line that the big baddie wants to mate with. After Tippi Hedren bites it, Josie is left under the protection of Officer Steve, who happens to know a whole heck of a lot of werewolf history. Convenient.
The werewolf effects are so bad I almost laughed out loud. On one hand, it looks like a really bad computer game from maybe 10 years ago, in other shots, it looks like a guy wearing a bearskin rug crawling around towards the camera. The dialog for this is so bad that I don't know if better actors could have made it any better, but I doubt it. Just copy & paste from the cliche handbook and you have it taken care of. Girl and cop share a tender moment after she freaks. Check. I know my rights. Yep, that one too. What's happening to me? Got it. Oh yeah, don't forget to add an opening set in possibly the unsexiest strip club ever shown on film and mid-way a ri-god-damn-diculous girls dressed up in a naked werewolves photo shoot with two females with no chemistry what-so-ever, and you have yourself Darkwolf.
Do yourself a favor and spend your two hours watching something more worthwhile. Like, I don't know, Underworld (famous people LARPing!) which at least had Kate Beckinsale in it, The Monster Squad which I remember fondly from my younger years, Ginger Snaps, Waxwork (go Deborah Foreman!), heck, even that old TV show She-Wolf of London would be better than this
Rating: I can't even begin...I am at a loss
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Live action Cowboy Bebop? Wha?
So Keanu Reeves spilled the beans supposedly.
http://www.aceshowbiz.com/news/view/00020675.html
I can't decide if I am overly excited or scared. I srsly love Cowboy Bebop. Keanu Reeves might not be too bad. After all Spike is kind of laid back, but can still kick ass. Keanu kicked ass in The Matrix. It could work.
No, the real question is, who will play Faye...
And will there be a Corgi...'cause go Data Dogs!
http://www.aceshowbiz.com/news/view/00020675.html
I can't decide if I am overly excited or scared. I srsly love Cowboy Bebop. Keanu Reeves might not be too bad. After all Spike is kind of laid back, but can still kick ass. Keanu kicked ass in The Matrix. It could work.
No, the real question is, who will play Faye...
And will there be a Corgi...'cause go Data Dogs!
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